In Between Inspiration

What do we do when our fuel runs out?

A photo from a tour bus I rode in Scotland back in 2016. I had the itinerary, but still could never tell where we were going. It didn’t really bother me much, I was just along for the ride.

Over the last year or so, I’ve been learning more about my intuition – particularly how to follow it by paying attention to the things that light me up and trusting that they will lead me in the right direction. Although I am trying, I’m not nearly a master at it yet. In fact, if I were to rename this Substack, I would call it something like The Yes Queen because of how often I find myself saying yes to things despite having a plate that’s already plenty full. And the more I say yes, the more plates I find myself adding, and soon enough I’m a one-woman Cirque du Soleil show, balancing them on sticks above my head and spinning them feverishly to maintain momentum.

I used to say yes without a single thought, accepting each of these spinning plates willingly. This was largely due to the two personas that live inside of me and together make me a Yes Queen: the People Pleaser and the Greedy Green Demon. The People Pleaser never thinks she actually has a choice, she lives to serve others, constantly feeding on and vying for their validation, while the Greedy Green Demon has an eye for envy and a chronic case of FOMO; she doesn’t want to miss out, but even if she doesn’t necessarily need or want the opportunity, she doesn’t want anyone else to have it either.

When I accepted anything and everything that came my way, I started to eventually notice something: sometimes I would jump on something right away, and sometimes I would hesitate. The hesitation soon turned into obligation which then morphed into resentment. I began to see how the nagging inside of me, that quiet voice of hesitation, is my intuition talking and have come to recognize that if something doesn’t light me up immediately, it’s not the right fit for me. To put it simply, it means there’s not enough gas in my tank, and if there’s not enough gas in my tank, I’m going to eventually peter out.

I’ve written about this before, how an opportunity can be great, just not great for you – how it can feel totally wrong from the get-go. I’ve come to love opportunities like this because they’re the clearest signal. They’re a glowing E on the fuel gauge, a giant stop sign in the middle of the road.

Where things get tricky, at least for me, is when the opportunity involves something I’m good at.

For example, maybe you’re an excellent baker. Everything you make turns out exquisitely, and you become the go-to person for holiday celebrations, office get-togethers, friends’ birthday parties, your friends’ dogs’ birthday parties, you name it. Everyone tells you how talented you are – with their mouths full, no less, savoring every bite. They say you should do this for a living and you allow yourself to think about it, but you feel exhausted when you do. You actually get bored of the usual recipes, but don’t love finding new ones. You don’t enjoy making a list and taking a trip to the grocery store, even if you manage to make it home with everything you needed. You don’t just dislike waiting for things to bake, you hate waiting for the oven to preheat, as well as the incessant beeping it makes when it’s reached the set temperature. Sure, maybe you just need a new oven, or maybe you just don’t really like baking.

Or, let’s say you do like baking and the annoying oven beeps are music to your ears, so you decide to do what everyone is telling you you should do and open a bakery. The prospect of it is exciting, you delight in choosing the featured items and trying new combinations. Now you’re baking every day, you’re successfully doing it for a living, and you’re still good at it, but you’re realizing something: your light is dimming. The thought of it all was energizing, but the execution, it turns out, is exhausting.

This is what I struggle with: What are we to do about the times when something initially feels right but then the fire dies?

What about the moments in between inspiration?

It’s hard to say no to things, but it can be harder to step away from something halfway through. The People Pleaser and the Greedy Green Demon start to rear their ugly heads again and try to talk you out of it – or worse,

shame you into staying.

I, for one, feel a little like my fifteen-year-old self behind the wheel at times like this: permitted but unprepared. Do I still get in the car, even though the tank looks low and I don’t know where I’m going? What if I find myself on the freeway but want to pump the breaks? What if the gas runs out and I’m stranded somewhere far from where I need to be?

I don’t have the complete answer yet, but I suppose that in itself is the lesson: it’s a learning experience. The more we try, the more opportunities we have to tap into our intuition to see what feels right or wrong, the more clear everything becomes, and the easier these decisions will be.

At least that’s what I’m going to say my intuition is telling me.

All I know is that the journey will always have crossroads along the way – it’s inevitable – and as long as I listen to my energy level, I’ll get where I want to go.